How cooking rebuilt my self-confidence and saved my relationship with food
*TW: Eating Disorder*
The photo above and those that follow come from an album on my phone entitled “Food I’ve Made/Eaten That I’m Not Repulsed By.” We’re gonna ignore the fact that my food photography skills need some immediate work, and start with a disclaimer that I’m by no means a high-class chef, or really a chef in any serious sense of the matter. My relationship with food and cooking has gone through a major transformation in the past year, and I feel it deserves some acknowledgment.
The things I’ve come to appreciate most about food are the way it brings people together, and the emotions that can be linked to it. For basically all of the images shown I can tell you where I was, what I was doing, who I was with, and how I was feeling the day I made or ate it. I can tell you I was giddy and energized the day I made the miso chocolate chip cookies, insisting that everyone that went into the kitchen that day try one, but I was fatigued and anxious when I had the heirloom tomato, not wanting anything but eating simply because I knew I had to, proud of myself for even taking the time to cut it up and douse it in balsamic. I can also tell you the grilled steaks and potatoes were from a barbecue with my parents over the summer, one we spent reminiscing about my childhood and cherishing our time together before I was to make my inevitable return to LA for my last year of college.
This year has pushed me in many ways, most of them being mentally and emotionally. I quickly saw the way in which my deteriorating mental health was translating to a negative relationship with food and what I put into my body, or lack thereof. There were days (and there still are) when eating was a hassle, a chore, something I pushed myself to do just to say I did it — many days at the bare minimum. But in trying to overcome those struggles, I have been able to reshape my relationship with cooking. I found that putting in the work to put together a complete meal for myself, while also providing necessary nutrition and fuel for my body, gave me a newfound appreciation for myself and was a vital piece in the greater task of rebuilding my self-confidence. Knowing that I put so much time and energy into making something that tasted good and satisfying became an act of self-care, an activity that was meant to keep myself in tune with my wants, needs, and cravings, and help me relearn how to honor those feelings.
My cooking experience quickly grew from its originally self-centered practice to a completely selfless one. Once I started cooking for others, my love for it grew tenfold. Developing new recipes, cooking a dish I’ve never made before, or even cooking a go-to I know will impress is now centered around the look on peoples’ faces when they take their first bite. This is something I don’t think I will ever get over and is the thing that motivates me to play with new ingredients and techniques.
This is not to say that anything I make is a piece of groundbreaking culinary art. All I’m saying is I have developed a newfound appreciation for patiently working with a pile of ingredients and turning them into a harmonious, delicious meal that can be enjoyed by myself and those around me. There are few things in life that carry the same depth of emotion as a good meal, and I think that first-bite feeling is something we should try to experience whenever possible.
My culinary journey has been tumultuous, and oftentimes I’ve felt inadequate or small in comparison to those I look up to. Below are some chefs that have inspired me both in the kitchen and at the table, whether it be through their recipes, their experience, or just their personalities and spirit. I aspire to be as talented as any of them, and that pursuit keeps me grounded.
Expect more kitchen updates in the near future — there are always new things to try.
