My middle school camera roll gave me a much-needed lesson on the ego
A couple of days ago, I turned on iCloud photos to gain some storage on my phone. Being the absolutely-not-tech-savvy person I am, I just thought that meant the photos from my phone would automatically upload to my computer. In reality, every photo I’ve ever taken since getting my first iPhone in 2012 ended up back on my phone. These are photos that I thought died with my old laptop when it finally kicked the bucket. Photos I thought were lost forever, never to be seen again. Then suddenly, I’m staring at all (16,000) of them on my little phone screen.
So naturally, I stayed up until 2 am that night and scrolled through every single one.
Almost instantaneously I was transported back to my middle school days. I slowly watched myself grow from incredibly-awkward-twelve-year-old to not-as-awkward-but-still-pretty-awkward-fifteen-year-old. As I was watching my maturation whiz before my own eyes, I was also reminded of events and milestones that I had completely forgotten about. Whether it was a sleepover birthday party, the first time going to the movies without a parental guardian, or eighth grade formal, all of these things were once the most important and exciting things in my little tween life.
While the middle school years are commonly known as some of the worst and most embarrassing, and mine were no exception, there was something easy and lighthearted about looking at the photos. Simply put, my friends and I were corny. We were embarrassing and lanky and awkward, easily entertained by the smallest things. We could sit in front of my laptop photo booth for hours on end, trying out new poses, filters, and effects, never growing tired of the novelty of it.
In all of this simplicity and gaucheness, we were happy. No one else’s opinion mattered: as long as we were having fun, we were doing something right. Whether it was spending a whole weekend running around the neighborhood making a music video to LMFAO’s “Sexy and I Know It,” or speeding through town on bikes every night of summer 2013 to meet for sunset, everything was exciting, and everything was important. Duck faces, peace signs, and all, our mission in life was solely to enjoy ourselves.
This naturally got me thinking. Although I experienced my fair share of exclusion, bullying, and good old-fashioned “girl drama” in those years, my spirits remained high. Sure, I was upset about getting the short end of the stick when it came to friends, but that didn’t stop me from making new ones, and having fun with the ones I knew were by my side. I had no concern for others’ thoughts or opinions of me, even at my lowest points.
Looking back almost ten years later, I have no idea how I managed. I was unapologetically myself and didn’t care who thought what about it. I leaned heavily into my interests — all things broadway, sailing, and shopping — and let them consume me. I found others who felt the same and ignored those who looked down on me.
I had no ego in the best way possible.
This led me to think even further back to my elementary school self. I recalled home videos of me recreating scenes from Snow White, swinging on my swing set yell-singing at my mom about how much I love her, or putting on fashion shows for my parents with items from the depths of my closet. I watch them now and get slightly embarrassed, but back then, I had no idea what embarrassment was. I was just doing what I wanted, and what made me happy.
So when did this stop? How did I all of a sudden care so much about what others thought after spending the first half of my life in complete “ignorance is bliss” mode? Is that just what growing up is?
Is there a way for me to get back to my ego-less self? In some ways, I think yes, and in others, I think not.
Children are the way they are because they aren’t readily disposed to the pressures of society telling them to act in a certain way. By now you can probably guess that I hate social media, but I really think a major player in diminishing the confidence of young adults comes from the immediate access to the judgment of others by participating in these platforms. I also think that is why many functioning adults have such an inability to be unapologetically themselves.
Aside from social media, as we grow up we are put in more and more situations where we need to filter ourselves to appease others, or to fit into a certain social setting. There are some things, as simple as they may be, that kids and tweens do that would just be deemed unacceptable if an adult did them. I can’t remember the last time I saw a grown woman skipping down the street on the way to work, at least without getting stares from passers-by.
I guess what I’m trying to get at is looking back at these photos reminded me of the confidence I once had. The unwavering self-love I once had. Before any outside judgment got the best of me, I was naturally in tune with myself and what would make me happy. My opinion was the most important, and the only one that really mattered. I had consistent trust in myself that I would know what was best for me.
These photos also put the greater scheme of life into perspective for me. I scrolled through so many moments that had just completely left my mind, but at one point they were the most important things in my life, for better or worse. I was also reminded of the great times I had with people who are no longer in my life. Instead of feeling hurt or regretful, I was able to look back on the memories fondly, regardless of the current status of our friendship. I was finally able to understand that you could still cherish time spent with friends even if the friendship itself has changed or no longer exists. The analogy of people being in your life for “a reason, a season, or a lifetime” finally made sense to me. I could recognize which friends fit into which category, and appreciatively recall what I learned from each of them. I was then able to confidently apply the analogy to my current life, giving me peace of mind as friendships inevitably evolve upon coming into adulthood.
Sometimes we think that our current situation is our end all be all. Whether it be good or bad, it is difficult to see outside of your present-day self. Having these photos reminded me of how much can change, both in the short term and in the long term, and how it really is true that more than half the things that happen to you won’t be important five years down the line.
Some may take this as depressing: how fleeting life is and how quickly and easily we forget things, but I think it is hopeful. It’s comforting to know that you’re not tied down to your existence at the present moment. It is equally as comforting to know that you could easily slip back into those times when the memories are at your disposal. If you learn anything from this semi-rant, it’s to take more photos and have less pride. You’ll always be grateful to have memories to look back on, even if they just unintentionally materialize from the mysterious internet storage in the sky.
